Are You Afraid of Congruency?
Seems silly doesn’t it – on the surface anyway. Why would anyone be afraid of aligning their true self with at work, in their relationships, where we live, etc?
On the surface, we tend to espouse the desire to “live our dreams”, to be met and seen in our relationships, and to have meaningful and fulfilling work. Yet, I’ve seen it time and again, in myself and in my friends, colleagues and clients; we are often unwilling to get honest with ourselves about what we really desire, and go for it.
Why? The answer is always the same. “I’m afraid of what that is going to mean in my life”. So great is the fear, we won’t even entertain the possibility of what it would look like if we opened that box. We are afraid of the potential disruption, and therefore settle for the present dysfunction.
For example, I recommended a book to a friend of mine, “Mating in Captivity” by Esther Perel. A few months later I asked her if she had read it. She said, “No, I don’t want to. I’m afraid that if I read it, it will show me that I don’t want to be married anymore, and I’m unwilling to even entertain the possibility.” Yikes. If your marriage is one book away from being blown up, I promise you, the book is not the issue.
So, we stuff it away, deep into our unconscious. It surfaces as a nagging inkling that there is more available to us. We rationalize our complacency, and stop ourselves in any number of ways.
No one person can be all things in relationship with me, so I will settle for not being met, because I am unwilling to risk letting it go.
What will it mean for the kids?
What will my friends and family think?
Where will I live and how will I provide for myself?
I can’t make that change in career, relationship, location, because I can’t afford it. The financial impact is something I am unwilling to face.
Truthfully, all of your worst fears may come true. Your friends may abandon you. The decisions you make may put you in a challenging financial situation. Divorce impacts the kids – period.
Here is what is also true. You will come into congruency, and your entire being will rejoice. Yes, you may experience hardship, but the rewards are beyond belief. Entire universes of possibility open when we choose to practice clarity in our boundaries of who we are. We know who we can count on, who genuinely supports and loves us for who we are. This was one of the most painful parts of my journey to wholeness, and I KNOW with the deepest part of myself who I can count on, trust, confide in and share with.
I had a friend share with me, “I decided that I was only going to be in relationship with my soul mate. Period. This may mean that I am not going to be in relationship at all, but I am no longer willing to settle.” With this clarity, she eventually did meet and marry her soul mate. This was the only person allowed into her space. There is no guarantee this will happen, but it certainly will not happen if we continue to settle out of fear and insecurity.
How do you know you are out of congruency? You may have a difficult time recognizing it, because until you experience congruency, you may not know you are out of it. The Chinese artist, Ai Wei Wei speaks about freedom – and once he had tasted it, it touched him so deeply, he never forgot and has worked his whole life in service to freedom for himself and others. You may never have had a lived experience of deep alignment. However, here are some clues of incongruency.
You are constantly trying to figure out how you are going to get ok with the present situation.
Your world is compartmentalized, and you rationalize the separation.
You continue to try and fix the situation, only to find it returning to its natural state.
You may experience physical manifestations; constriction of the throat, back pain, etc. Simply put, your body is giving you signs.
You feel a low frequency of frustration, sadness and anger – always running in the background and waiting to erupt.
You find yourself rationalizing, “that’s just the way life is”, “marriage is hard”, “nothing’s perfect”, “I can’t make the move right now”, “after the kids are grown, then I’ll choose myself.”
The most courageous people I know have taken the journey of congruency, alignment and authenticity. They have gotten honest with themselves. They have turned towards their compartmentalized box and opened it and with great courage, looked it and unpacked it. They have honored their feelings, hopes, desires, sadness, frustration. Most importantly, they have acted congruently and with deep integrity. The inside matches the outside. What they say they believe is what they practice – in all aspects.
The cosmic 2x4.
The truth is, our souls want us to live fully in our truth of who we are. We receive signs, like a gentle tap on the shoulder. Then a stronger tap. The signs are there to get our attention, to wake us up. We have an opportunity during this time to make a conscious choice – to choose growth and change. I remember when I was being nudged to change my work. I could feel the ask, the disturbance, the dissonance at work, my internal knowing. I could feel if I didn’t choose to change, the universe was going to choose it for me. I knew this feeling, recognized it, because there are many times I didn’t and I received the cosmic 2x4 smackdown. The choice was made for me. My lack of congruency was brought to the light of day for me, and all the world around me, to witness. Ultimately, our souls demand congruency.
I share all this with you in hopes that you will have the courage to leap, even when it’s scary, especially when it’s scary. Surround yourself with those who will support your journey, and not simply want to keep you small by colluding with your limitations. Life is rich. There are no guarantees. When nothing is certain, anything is possible. I’ve seen the magic unfold, it is there, waiting for you, in the places you most dare to tread.
