The Passage: Taking the parent/adolescent relationship on journey
It was simpler when my son was younger – a baby, toddler and young child. My work as a mother was beautiful, intense and rather straight forward. As a fellow mother put it, “we must keep our offspring alive”. That meant the toddler couldn’t be near the raging creek or left unattended at the pool. It meant keeping them out of traffic, feeding them healthy food, loving them, being present and all the components that go into the care and parenting of children.
It’s different with my 14 year old. The same old biology is there, “must keep offspring alive”. There continues to be the love and care and healthy food in the home. However, our biological drive is often in great paradox with the unfolding of the natural developmental needs of the adolescent – which is to develop the skills and independence to eventually leave the nest. What is dangerous? – my son riding with his older friends in the car to Salt Lake to go to a water park. What is he doing? Riding in the car with his friends to Salt Lake. My “keep offspring alive” instinct is in direct conflict with the needs and age appropriate expansion of my son. Let’s face it, he’s going to eat what he wants, and no amount of pestering, or god forbid, shaming from me is going to change that.
I used to parent with great confidence. Now, I question and I wonder – how much do I interfere, question, where is the boundary and why is it needed? Am I too lenient, too strict, too hands off, too overbearing? Are there signs I’m missing? So, I have found myself lecturing and pestering and worrying and doubting, the result of which is that he closes down and stops talking.
With hopefulness, courage and trusting in the process, I am shedding my old parenting skin. I am shedding the old ways in which I kept my child safe. I am shedding my old tactics as a parent. It’s scary and it’s needed. I am practicing trust. I am creating space for the conversation to unfold, instead of forcing the conversation. I am showing up as shaman/mother/mentor/guide. I know that the power of my influence comes from listening deeply, and guiding him to surface his own unfolding wisdom. I know this from my own experience. We don’t know what we don’t know. The wisdom of life comes from walking the path ourselves. No one can walk it for us. How do we know that heartbreak ends? By having our heart broken and getting through it. How do we know sadness ends? By being sad over the course of time. And frankly, when do we tend to grow and learn our most important lessons that bring wisdom? By going through the crucible of challenge. We know this for ourselves, and I am practicing modeling this for my kids.
All of this is to say, there are no guarantees. There are no guarantees that this will work and he will be safe, happy, thriving, healthy and engaged in life. I hope he is. I want this for him. The outcome is not preordained. But I do trust the seaworthiness of our relationship. I trust his intuitive knowing, and higher wisdom. I trust my own too. I have maps of my own journey that she can reference to create her own. I am guide as we navigate these waters together. The seas will be calm at times and stormy at others. There is beauty in the journey. Harbors can keep ships safe, but that is not what ships are for.
